Monday, May 11, 2009
How to celebrate Mother's Day without a Mother
My mother left me to the care of my father when she decided that she doesn't love her anymore. My father didn't care much of what happened to me. I don't know if getting cursed at or being yelled by doing this and that is what he meant by care. He usually burst, "Tang-ina di ka pa namatay!" every time I hit my head, or scratched my knees.
I grew up quite insecure of whether my mother really loved me. I could only imagine her reaction when she first saw me. Was she happy? Or disgusted? It's hard to say she preferred the latter (I think).
I grew up with a step Mother. She was kind to me. But she had another daugther, but she's there for me. But she also left when I was about four. And until that time I have no idea about Mother's day.
I only learned about Mother's day when I went to school. I was too ashamed that I was not aware of such or even celebrated one. Usually I envied kids with their mothers. Mothers seem to be warm in their embrace. So every night I prayed for God to be my "Mother."
So no nobody nagged me to do this or do that. No one went to the Parent-teachers meeting except any of my relatives who are available at that time. No one praised me when I did something great at school. Or that I was very behaved. Nothing, I think that made me very cold. Some say, I really am
But my relatives made sure I had healthy doses of curses, pingot and spanking.
I never had someone buy me clothes or shoes. Or someone saying, "Hey, let's go to the mall and buy you a new shoes, I can already see your toes from here." I just tagged along my cousins and drooled at what their mothers would buy from them.
So every night I asked God to bring back my Mom but it seems God is too busy with something.
But I think sometimes he answers my prayers because from time to time (I think 5 times) she visits me. But I never had that son instinct. I don't remember her face. Actually I don't recognize her. I never really cried myself to sleep saying why my mother doesn't love me. I just asked why.
When she was abroad she writes from time to time. I usually was enthusiastic and frantic. I mean if she would walk the streets and meet me, I wouldn't know if she was there.
Guess I'll never to celebrate one. I can't even remember a single incident that there was one. I only hear about mothers day on Church and on TV.
Sorry but it seems the answer was not here. I apologize