I never liked my Father and I think he also feels the same way. We tried to like each other but like in most relationship it was deemed to fail in the first place. Or maybe life is just a cycle of tragedies or sad fates that we pass on to the next generation.
My grandfather is a gambler and is engaged in cockfights. Yes, that old game Filipinos love after basketball.. My grandfather is I think an absentee father to his kids since he has more time for gambling and his friends. He has lots of friends and when I was small I wondered what my grandfather did when he is out. He is usually out. He was never a drinker and I seldom see him drink or get drunk.
He allowed his boys (uncles) to do whatever they wanted like smoke, drink, womanize and even drugs. He taught and tolerated my uncles to drink, watch porn, and have the time of their lives from high school until they all dropped from school like fallen leaves after college. None of them finished studying and has depended heavily on my grandfather and grandmother.
My grandfather has a thing with resources I say. I don't know where he gets money but he always manages to get bills paid and have more for their hobbies. We had an easy life way back then and my uncles had the party of their lives. They did what they want when they want and they always had friend come by and have a drink or two.
My father being the oldest had the responsibility of taking up after my grandfather which had a piggery. Yes we had pigs and most of the time my father took care of them. I think he hated by too much around with pigs and he took cockfighting as a hobby and a bad hobby it is. He got bad into it that it came to the point where he bullied my grandparents for money most of the time. Those usually make me piss my pants.
Like me, my father never had a decent place to sleep in. My uncles and aunts have their respective rooms to sleep in. My father slept with at the sofa and at one point near the pig sty.
My grandmother always tells us that the reason my father was that (crazy) is because he was bitten by a puppy when he was a child. We had lots of pets before and that is where I think the human side of the family comes out. We are sucker for pets; not much with people. We had dogs, cats, pigeons, ducks, and pigs. It's a small farm in the middle of Makati.
My father is quite violent and is always cursing and swearing. That usually scared the shit out of me. The only times he was happy is when he wins large money at the cockpit. He would give money at times and that is the time also that I tried to like him.
I think he was beaten as well when he was small because he would also do the same to me when he gets really pissed. You know its kinda hard to stop crying when you are being told to fucking shut up as you are being hit. I think the same was with my father.
Communication was a problem deep in the family. We never talk to each other much othen than piss each other or shout at each other, my grandparents and uncles and aunts love those kinds of conversations. There are the family feasts for Christmas, birthdays and anything in between where you have god food and never say anything to anyone, not even a greeting.
There are many things my father may have seen and experienced which I have and somehow tht feels bad for me. But we all have the capacity to be what we are despite of the tragedies in life. He chose the wrong way of dealing with life and its darkness. I never chose that path.
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